Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.