Those Phrases from A Father That Rescued Us when I became a First-Time Father

"In my view I was just just surviving for a year."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the challenges of being a father.

Yet the actual experience rapidly proved to be "very different" to what he pictured.

Serious health issues surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her main carer in addition to looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The job of mother and father," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a chat with his parent, on a public seat, that helped him see he needed help.

The straightforward statement "You aren't in a healthy space. You require some help. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and start recovering.

His story is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While people is now more accustomed to addressing the pressure on mothers and about postpartum depression, less is said about the challenges fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a wider inability to open up amongst men, who still hold onto negative notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave."

"It is not a sign of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to accept they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not justified to be requesting help" - most notably ahead of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental health is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the chance to ask for a break - spending a short trip overseas, away from the family home, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of looking after a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has transformed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotional life and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences caused his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "poor choices" when younger to change how he felt, finding solace in alcohol and substances as a way out from the anguish.

"You find your way to behaviours that don't help," he explains. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Managing as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - when you are overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your other half or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the things that made you feel like you before the baby arrived. It could be playing sport, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, getting some exercise and if you can, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is faring.
• Meet other new dads - sharing their stories, the challenges, as well as the good ones, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Know that asking for help isn't failing - looking after yourself is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having not spoken to him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead give the safety and emotional support he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the emotions in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their issues, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… dealing with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I expressed, at times I feel like my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am discovering an equal amount as you are through this experience."